Having a job with a desk and an email address is mostly norm these days. So it should come as no supprise that durring the corse of a day I (like you) receve a slew of random emails from people I know (and dont) about nothing in particular.
Emails like these were initiallly designed by hackers to bounce around coorporate servers like superballs in a piant can shaker. In turn slowing down or bogging the server itself. Unfortunately, the billions of people that have email, didnt see these emails for what they were and decided to play along thinking they were cute. Creating their own digital chain letters congesting the internet highway with their crap. thats right, I said it…. CRAP!!! its always my stuff and their crap… thats just the way it works.
With that said, I have created a Seinfeld folder in my email, Like the television show, it contains time occupying entertainment, about nothing in particular. Over the past year, I have narrowed down the best of the best….
and they are
An amazing elephant story…
Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting.
In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture above)
was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across
a young bull elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked
the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr.
were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn’t help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan’s legs and slammed
him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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Teachers & Cops ….. New York City Report Cards ….
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but t he train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid , he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead
NOW FROM OUR BOYS IN BLUE:
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
#16. ‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
#15. ‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
#14. ‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
#13. ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
#12. ‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet th at’ll be chasing you.’
#11. ‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
#10. ‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?’
#9. ‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’
#8. ‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
#7. ‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
#6. ‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’
#5. ‘In God we trust, all ot hers we run through NCIC.’
#4. ‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
#3. ‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
#2. ‘I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.’
AND THE WINNER IS….
#1. ‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’
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New words for 2008
NEW WORDS FOR 2008 :
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.
GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
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New Virus Going Around
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
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Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought…
Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ” Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…
On the couch…
Naked
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and my personal favorite
Letter to God
Some of you may know that our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month (8/23). The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.
She dictated and I wrote:
Dear God,
Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? She died yesterday and is heaven. We miss her very much. We are happy that you let us have her as our dog even though she got sick. I hope that you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures of her so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our special dog. But I really do miss her.
Love,
Meredith Claire
P.S.: Mommy wrote the words after Mer told them to her
We put that in an envelope with 2 pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Mer stuck some stamps on the front (because, as she said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the way to heaven) and that afternoon I let her drop it into the letter box at the post office.
For a few days, she would ask if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, for Labor Day, we took the kids to Austin to a natural history museum. When we got back, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a gold star card on the front and said “To: Mer” in an unfamiliar hand.
Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, When a Pet Dies. Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God, in its opened envelope (which was marked ‘Return to Sender: Insufficient address’). On the opposite page, one of the pictures of Abbey was taped under the words “For Meredith.” We turned to the back cover, and there was the other picture of Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper:
Dear Mer,
I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to me was such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
You know, Meredith, she isn’t sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me — just like she stays in your heart — young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know. Since we don’t need our bodies in heaven, I don’t have any pockets! — so I can’t keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it to you with the pictures so that you will have this book to keep and remember Abbey.
One of my angels is taking care of this for me. I hope the little book helps.
Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you.
I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven and wherever there is love.
Love,
God, and the special angel who wrote this after God told her the words.
As a parent and a pet lover, this is one of the kindest things that I’ve ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is some very kind soul working in the dead letter office. Just wanted to share this act of compassion 
dear friend — hope you enjoy it as much as I did
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well.
Time to ring in the new year…
Until Then
Me-
Oh yea… almost forgot…
best quote all year
” I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal ….They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.”
VS 
